In intellectual property news, the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) is pushing new copyright legislation that would make it a felony crime to actually remember watching any movies whatsoever. The argument? "By opening your eyes, you are making a copy of the movie in your memory." That copy, the MPAA insists, is a bootleg copy. To solve the problem, cinemas will now be outfitted with memory wiping devices that lobotomize movie memories as customers leave the theaters. The MPAA also believes the new technology, "...will be great for repeat business" since movie-goers won't be able to remember whether they saw movies or not. The new legislation is named "the Entertainment Preservation and Eco-Green Civil Rights Reforestation Clean Earth Anti-Terrorism Patriotic Duty Happy Happy People Act" of 2006 and is expected to pass with unanimous support in Washington.

The recent science debate over intelligent design vs. evolution has divided the country into two cranky camps: those who think the human body is an imperfect result of millions of years of chance mutation, versus those who insist that male nipples actually have a dignified purpose because they're all part of an "intelligent design." The latter group is also working on plausible design explanations for the tailbone (actual tails, too, in 1% of newborns), annoying body hair, and, of course, that utterly useless pinky toenail. There's also the curious question of why any intelligently-designed biological form would still have to cram food, water and air down the same hole (that's the big pie hole in your face, nitwit).