could do with some help with this.

Seems a huge thing to get my head around. Still aching for what was never there as a child. I know i am the only one who can do this for me now...i know that as a fact. Add the emotions and well it all goes out of the window fairly quickly!

A tough one but something i need to start doing.

Any ideas?

x

Quote

This is the first time I've heard of self parenting, so I'm afraid I can't help you. I found this on Wiki. Sounds very complicated to me. What is it you actually want to accomplish, Liz?

Last edited: 28-02-2008 08:13:31 PM

Quote

Had a childhood history of abuse none of which i disclosed until about 7 years ago. Been working with various psychotherapists since that time. Various because one moved away, and i then changed from one approach to another, reported yet another to his professional body for gross misuse of boundaries. My current therapist i have been working with for about a year now.

She nurtures me each week and my inner children too. I know i cannot have what i never received as a child. That time has gone and yet the loss remains. Good parenting means that there is a strong foundation on which to build and a child grows up knowing he/she is loved for who they are. If you know that you matter to those that love you then you can i would imagine go out into the world and be more able to find your place. To be denied that strong foundation means for me that i feel as though i have been at a huge disadvantage throughout my life and have in effect been searching for what was never mine then. with little joy.

Self parenting means that the only person who can do this now is me. So i have to find ways of nurturing and caring for me. That's kind of it.

does that make any sense?

x

Last edited: 29-02-2008 04:36:36 PM

Quote

Thanks for sharing that, Liz

I've never been in your situation but, I think if I were, I would start by learning to forgive. You don't have to forget, but you can forgive. Consider that we're all on this earth doing the best we can with what we've got, but some succeed less than others or don't have the necessary tools to do what they ought. Once you learn to forgive, resentment also goes out the window.

Then perhaps you could try some self esteem lessons or workshops? What you need to do is learn to love yourself. I see from your profile that you're married, so you have at least one person who loves you for what you are! I think self esteem has a lot to do with self parenting, as it's about relating to ourselves in the same way that a really good mother or father would have done.

No idea if this has been of any help, but good luck with it!

Quote

Forgiving one's abusers? yeah right...
Not sure i shall ever be able to forgive the evil bastards. or praps i'm not 'there' yet - in a position to do that.

maybe one day...

x

Quote

Quote

http://www.amazon.com/Forgiveness-Formula-Your-Pain-Move/dp/156924409X

Hi Liz,
There's a book available by Kathleen Griffin called the Forgiveness Formula (above is the link to Amazon USA, although it is available in the UK too). It may be useful for you.

I remember reading a book by Miranda Holden a few years back. One quote stuck with me... "Holding a grievance is like drinking poison and hoping that someone else will keel over and die".

Sending Love
Trinity

Quote

Hi Liz,

What you have had to endure as a child is vile, and to have bottled it up by yourself all these years doubly adds to your distress. Hopefully your current counsellor is helping you, which it sounds like they are.

If at this moment in time you are finding it hard to forgive, which as both Helen and Trinity have pointed out, is an important way forward, then perhaps you could look at things a different way….

Thoughts and words are incredibly fast energies and a single thought can change your world in a matter of seconds. Realising you must feel alone deep down, you need to ask for help from the universe – then you won’t be coping with this all by yourself.

What I would do, is put these people in a huge pink balloon, and imagine the balloon going up into the sky getting smaller and smaller, and out into the universe so it is so tiny, then disappears.

Do this a few times each day, whenever you think of it. Tell yourself these people were ignorant, which is perhaps something you can forgive in someone, then just let it GO…..

You have to move on from now and detach yourself from these appalling, disgusting people. YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG and that means you do not deserve to live on this earth feeling unworthy or alone.

Please act straight away – you are much stronger than you think. You don’t need these people to move forward in your life, or their approval. Ask the universe to be with you and help you, but just block out the past in a huge pink balloon.

(The forgiveness book sounds a very good book to read!)

Ann xx

Last edited: 3-03-2008 09:35:06 AM

Quote

Hi Liz,
Being a practicing Yogi, I agree that although you may not be able to forgive(perfectly understandable under the circumstances), it would be helpful to attain a state of non-attachment. There are several self help tools I would recommend including meditation,EFT(www.emofree.com) and Zpoint(http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/SharingZeroPoint/, http://www.zpointprocess.com/ )
L&L
Dave

Quote

i know that!

I'm not sure that forgiveness has to be part of the healing process. Indeed that it ever can be part of that process.

How on earth do you forgive a person who purposefully sets out to abuse you? It wasnt a one off, went on for several years. How is it possible to turn round and say ' i forgive you for what you did'. When both perpertrators caused huge amounts of damage. Am i meant to turn round and say that what happened to me doesnt matter? i think not.

i shall praps explore meditation. not sure that EFT or EMDR is the way forward for me. i'm not sure that i believe the thinking behind it all.

I am moving on. Albeit slowly as all these things tend to be.

Forgiving them doesnt strike me as being a positive way forward.

Forgiving myself?...- praps indeed i need to do that! and know deep down inside that no child is ever to blame for being on the receiving end of abuse whatever form it takes.

x

Last edited: 4-03-2008 12:28:03 PM

Quote

Hi Liz,
You might want to look at zpoint also as that seems to work well.
L&L
Dave

Quote

x

Quote

Hi Liz,
Zpoint(http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/SharingZeroPoint/, http://www.zpointprocess.com/ )
These are the links and the instructions for starting are free.Basically one is using a simple programming statement to the subconscious and when using the clearing statements one has a keyword to trigger the clearing.It is very simple and seems to work well for many.You can use this at your own pace and it does seem gentle.
L&L
Dave

Quote

I have just come onto the forum and am interested in the discussion.
I don't think its a matter of forgiving the abuser really, its more about letting go of the painful past in order to settle in the here and now. I think you mentioned somewhere along the line about self parenting.
As a Transactional Analyst we investigate how you parent yourself today based upon how youwere parented as a child. There will be many ways in which you parent yourself now that are about wanting to get away from the old system or doing to yourself what was done to you. For example listening to old negative messages in your head, maybe treating yourself badly if you were so treated etc.
Re parenting means finding good and healthy ways of taking care of yourself, not just physically but emotionally and psychologically.
Self loving, caring and listening to the internal child that has been so badly treated in the past. It doesn't always do that inner child much good to go on being angry with something that happened a long time ago.
We cannot change the past but we can change our attitude towards it.
I agree it is almost impossible to imagine forgiving somene who abused us, but living with rage is self damaging and that means you are continuing to hurt yourself over and over again.
warm wishes
June

Last edited: 13-05-2008 05:22:23 PM

Quote

Quote

I don't know if this thread is still being read, but here's some ideas.

I do agree with the forgiveness side of thing - forgiving something doesn't make it any less important or nasty. The way I see it, the person that everybody has the most difficulty forgiving (whether they are aware of it or not) is themselves. There's always a little voice saying "I deserved this, I brought it on myself, I could have done something differently to change things". Naturally, this voice is generally wrong, and even if it is right, that is no reason to not forgive ourselves. If we can learn to forgive the people that wrong us, we are one step closer to being able to forgive ourselves.

Self parenting. Here's an idea. I find visual fantasies can be very empowering. Why not visualise yourself as a small child, but instead of an abusive family, you have a loving caring family (or if that is too unrealistic to connect with, have your family, but there is someone you can turn to for love and support who protects you and rescues you from the abuse). Run scenarios over in your mind of how you would like to have been loved, ways it was expressed. Feel the love that you fantasy-guardian gives you and know that you deserve it.

it should work a bit like an affirmation - regularly fantasise about feeling loved and deserving of love and loving yourself, and eventually you will love yourself.

hth

K x

Quote