By Doris Jeanette, Psy.D.
To lose your partner is always painful. It is a heartbreak, any way you look at it. It hurts. Your body aches and your heart feels like it is going to explode. You are face to face with the most important decision in your life.
The choice you make at this moment determines how the rest of your life unfolds. When your heart is broken by divorce or a break up or a death, you can either feel the emotional pain or continue to try to avoid your hurt feelings.
If you choose to become more defended, your body becomes harder and your heart closes tighter. In your next relationship you are sure to repeat your same old “hurt pattern.” You might even think that you are attracting the same kind of person, yet again.
On the other hand, you can choose to do some self improvement and self help. You can choose to open up to the emotional pain that is currently happening instead of running away from it.
When you choose to open up to your emotional pain, your body will become more relaxed and your self esteem will improve. You resolve your “hurt pattern” and do not have to repeat the same self hurting pattern in your next love relationship.
It was a broken heart that kicked my own personal transformation into high gear. So I know that the thing you need to hear the most is that you are lovable and that you are loved. This is what you need to remind yourself of over and over again, even though it does not feel true right now.
In addition, you need to reassure yourself that you have done nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with you. You might be thinking that if you had only done this, they wouldn't have left or if you had only done that, they wouldn't have died. Or you might be experiencing regret that you abandoned your partner.
Reassure yourself that you are not a terrible, bad, unlovable person. This is true and it helps to hear it and say it to yourself. A broken heart needs love, not judgment.
Of course you are not perfect. Of course you pushed love away with your controlling behaviors. Of course you acted out your unresolved emotional issues in your love relationship. This is true of everyone.
Your partner was also doing the exact same thing with you. Of course you blamed them and they blamed you. This is universal relationship "stuff." These emotional dynamics are exactly what you want to become more aware of so that in your next love relationship you are better at intimacy.
Everyone has relationships problems. No one is perfect. You do not have to be perfect to be loved. Perfect is an image and no one loves an image. You can only love your real self and the real self of others. This is what you want to get better at doing-loving your real self.
As you learn to open instead of close to your emotional pain, you are feeling your hurt and letting it move through you. You are learning to stand on your own two feet and support yourself.
You are learning to take care of yourself so that your needs and desires are met. This will attract a person to you who is also working on self improvement and self help issues.
Remember that hurt is the first sign of life. For example, consider a frostbitten hand. It hurts like hell when it is warming up. When your hand is frozen and ready to die, there is no pain. You hurt when you are returning to life. So remind yourself that pain is the first sign of a better life.
You need courage and support to stay in the hurt and feel it. "A Natural Process for Opening the Heart-Your Emotional Guide to Self Esteem", provides the guidance you need to heal your own broken heart. You learn how to stay with yourself though the process of letting go of past hurts once and for all so that you do not repeat them.
This is a powerful turning point in your life. You are learning to stay with yourself though life's natural processes, breath by breath. Day by day. This is what improves your self esteem and self confidence.
There is a wonderful, delightful magic that happens when you feel your real feelings. The area where your hurt was frozen in your body will open. You will become more open and softer so that you can receive real love. Open Hearts attract true love.
Your human heart becomes strong and healthy, allowing love to flow in and out of it with great vitality. You learn to enjoy each moment in the process of becoming more of who you really are-even the painful ones.
Divorce, break ups and loss opens up your heart to more true love for yourself and for others. Take a deep breath and feel. In your next love relationship you will have more self esteem and self confidence.
You will be assertive and take care of yourself instead of falling into those old hurt patterns. You will met many new people and enjoy the natural process of finding yourself and loving yourself in love relationships.