By Sally Lever
Some people call living a sustainable lifestyle, “conscious living”. “Conscious” in this sense means in a state of awareness where we are mindful of our behaviour, our actions and the likely consequences of them. When we live consciously - sustainably- we live with an awareness of our connection to the universe and the part we play in it.
So, what about our relationships with others? They will inevitably form an important part of our sustainable lifestyle. Can they be conscious too? I suggest that they can and that conscious personal and business relationships are a necessary part of living in balance and with a high quality of life.
Joe, a coaching client, was desperate to make a start with his new small business, supplying a new exercise machine to leisure centres and private health clubs. His partner, Patti, meanwhile had been hoping that their lives would begin to slow down and de-stress now that their children were growing up and becoming more independent. To Joe, this felt like a huge conflict brewing and he didn’t want to compromise on his business or his relationship with Patti. Ideally, he was hoping that both would thrive.
Through coaching, Joe discovered that what was driving his new business ambitions was his need to “be seen to be making it” and that he hadn’t taken into account the big picture that he and Patti held for their future together. He also wasn’t happy with being motivated by something that he considered to be materialistic rather being true to who he was. Once he and Patti unearthed the common ground in their aspirations, Joe realised he could modify his business plans in such a way as to meet his need to feel connected to Patti and also to his many friends and colleagues in the leisure industry. He didn’t need to “perform” in his relationship with Patti and be the “successful businessman and husband”. All he really wanted was the contact and shared enjoyable times with loved ones and friends. He continued by letting this be the driving force behind his new venture and as a result enjoyed running a successful small business and spending time with his partner.
This illustrates the difference between “performing” in our relationships with others and “connecting”. “Connecting” is what happens when we are relating consciously, when we take the time to really listen to ourselves and others on a deep level and to act according to what we learn.
How do you know when you’re “performing”?
The clues are: your focus is on doing the “right thing” by others, looking good, conforming to social norms, providing entertainment or drama, relating to others in order to receive, manipulate or control in some way. You probably won’t be picking up on atmosphere and energy levels around you. If you are performing then your behaviour will not feel congruent with who you really are. You may find yourself doing things that you wouldn’t normally do when on your own and when acting in accordance with your own values. You may feel embarrassed when looking back on events where you’ve been behaving this way.
How do you know when you’re “connecting”?
You will feel a deeper understanding with those around you, greater acceptance, maybe love, empathy, compassion, and you will be relating with others in order to give to them and allow them to shine. You will probably be sensitive to the atmosphere and energy levels around you. When you are connecting you will feel very comfortable that what you say and do in that relationship is in no way in conflict with your personal values. There will be few regrets.
The benefits of “connection” rather than “performance” in business and personal relationships is the authenticity and trust that connection feeds. It may be quite clear in a personal relationship, for example with a spouse or a child, that authenticity and trust are valuable assets. Perhaps this is not so obvious when it comes to considering our business relationships. If you are running your business sustainably then you will be attaching great importance to the people element of your triple bottom line (see my article on "The Sustainable Small Business if you need further clarification on the triple bottom line).
Take some time to remind yourself of the nature of your most important business relationships. Who are those relationships with? Remember that clients will make buying decisions based on their emotional needs however rational they might appear to be in their thinking. How well do you understand their needs and their problems? What about your suppliers and associates – How well do you understand their needs and problems? This is essential information if you want to connect with them, earn their trust, their respect and ultimately their custom. You will enjoy the added bonus of the personal fulfilment of relating authentically and consciously.
Conclusion.
Despite what the TV soap operas would have us believe, our relationships with others do not have to consist of one drama after another. When we give up performing and focus on connecting instead, both our business and personal relationships flourish.